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The Lone Ranger and Tonto

Three Cowboys Are Sitting Around A Campfire

Three Strangers Strike Up A Conversation

Rocky Mountain Oysters

  
  

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A Cowboy Rode Into Town ...

An Old Cowboy Sat Down

Cowboy Joe

Cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life. ...

 

>They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette
>tells
>her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
>bull,
>I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
>home."
>
>The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the
>bull,
>and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her
>that he
>will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she
>drives
>to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to
>tell
>her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and
>says,
>"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
>that
>I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
>the
>trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we
>can
>haul it home."
>
>The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to
>help
>her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well,
>after
>paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left.
>She
>realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just
>one
>word.
>
>After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I
>want
>you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"
>
>The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going
>to know
>that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup
>truck
>and drive out here to haul that bull back to your
>ranch if
>you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
>
>The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The
>word's
>big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"

____________________________________________________________

This cowboy walks into the saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and the cowboy downs it in one gulp. Immediately he rushes back out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.

He then goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and once again the cowboy downs it in one gulp then rushes out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there.

He goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. By this time there are a number of other patrons looking at him with a fair bit of interest. The bartender decides he'd better ask what's going on before the cowboy gets too drunk to answer.

"So, Cowboy, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and kiss your horse on the bum?"

The Cowboy (in his best drawl) replies "Chapped lips."

The bartender says with some surprise "Oh, does that cure them?"

The cowboy says "Nope, but it sure stops me lickin' 'em".

_____________________________________________________________

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

_______________________________________________________________


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully.

No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

________________________________________________________________

A Texan was having a drink at a bar with an old friend when he noticed a attractive and chesty young lady seated at the bar eating a hamburger.

As he held eye contact with her, she swallowed a bite and it must have gone down the wrong pipe for she began choking.

She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.

The Texan said to his friend, 'That there gal is having a bad time!'

The other agreed and said, 'Think we should go help?'

'You bet,' and with that he ran over and said, 'Can you breathe????' She shook her head no. He said, 'Can you speak??' She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.

So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

Smiling to his friend, the Texan said, 'Funny how that Hind Lick maneuver always works'

_____________________________________________________________

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting.

After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you. Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt. Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink. Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?" Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick." Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

_________________________________________________________

Three cowboys were on their way home after herding a group of cattle to a ranch. On the way, they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. one man said, "Man, I'm gonna get some of this."

He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and one of them said yes and he started screwing it.

After he got done, he asked the last man if he wanted some. the man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.

________________________________________________________

Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close to them. 'Oh! That doesn't sound good,' one says to the other. As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said, 'Yeah, our regular drummer is out sick.'

____________________________________________________________

'Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender

--------------------------------------------------

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

_________________________________________________

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

___________________________________________________________-

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley


On the western ranch lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together .


One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ranch, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the rancher was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

yep, you betcha, there is a moral

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

________________________________________________________________

A COLLEGE GIRL IS GOING TO GALVESTON, TEXAS FOR SPRING BREAK. SHE TOLD HER GIRLFRIENDS THAT WHILE SHE WAS THERE SHE WANTED TO EAT REAL BAR-B-QUE, SEE A REAL RODEO, AND SLEEP WITH A REAL COWBOY. SO SHE GOES THERE AND RETURNS IN A WEEK. HER GIRLFRIENDS IMMEDIATELY ASK HER SO DID YOU EAT REAL BAR-B-QUE? YA IT WAS GREAT BEST FOOD EVER! THE GIRLFRIENDS THEN ASKED DID YOU GO TO A REAL RODEO? OH MY SHE REPLIED THOSE GUYS ARE REAL ATHLETES! SO DID YOU?ASKED THE GIRLFRIENDS. DID I WHAT? SHE SAID. YOU KNOW SLEEP WITH A REAL COWBOY? O HECK NO. HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF THEIR CONDOM RING IN THEIR BACK POCKET!!
______________________________________________________

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

__________________________________________________________________

World's Toughest Cowboy

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
_____________________________________________________________

A Texas cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after
an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going
to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."
The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a
couple of days.  I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here,"
he says, "Take this pill." The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."  The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
__________________________________________________________________

For as long as any one could remember this old Indian named all the children in the villiage. So one day this young brave walks up to the old man and ask him, old man how do you name these child, how do you come up with the names for these child. and the old man replys, young brave I name these children as the great spirt shows me, If I see snow gently falling I say to that child you shall be called snow gently falling, and if I see a Hawk that flys above I say to that young one you shall be called Hawk that sores above and the old man looks at the young brave and says, and you two dogs fucking why do you ask?

A ladies car broke down in the dessert, to her relief an Indian rode past and ask if she'd like a ride to town. He helped her up on the horse, said hold on. She put her arms around his waist and off they went. Frequently, on the way, the Indian let out a loud YeeeHaaaa.
When they got to town he dropped her off at the garage, as he rode away he let out another YeeeHaaaa. The lady asked the mechanic what's with the Indian and YeeeHaaaa? Mechanic said, dunno, what'd you do? Nothing, she said, just put my arms around him and held on to the saddle horn. Lady, said the mechanic, Indians don't use saddles.
________________________________________________________________

Why do CowGirls Walk Bow Legged?

Because CowBoys like to eat with their hats on.
___________________________________________________________________

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the
saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.
He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there,
Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em. "
____________________________________________________________________

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?” pointing at the Indian.
Horse: "Yes sir"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."

_____________________________________________________________________

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.

"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse."

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.

"Second wish," said the Chief.

"I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy.

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back.

The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.

"This is your last wish," said the Chief, "make it a good one."

"I'll need my horse again."

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's.

"I said POSSE!"
_____________________________________________________________


A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

_____________________________________________________

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

_________________________________________________________________

What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?
Hoppalong Cassidy.

____________________________________________________________

An Arkansas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring
ranch and
knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the
other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I
knows where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a
message
fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
yer Dad.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about
that,"
he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges
$50 for
the bull and $25 for the boar, but, I really don't know how much he
gets fer
Howard."

_____________________________________________________

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar .
"What the heck?" he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy."
Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan ' Just Do It'.
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies'.
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX".
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex ?"
The fella proudly replies "Cause ‘it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin' !"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says,
"So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One.'" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately ?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY…..'Like a Rock !'" and gives a wink !

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer , but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret ?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !"

_______________________________________

On a hot blistering summer day, a redneck cowboy comes ridding into town on
his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a
tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman
comes into the bar and asks who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck
cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, “Your dog seems to be in heat”.
The redneck cowboy replies, “No way dog's in heat, he's cool cause I got'im tied
under the shade of the tree”. The policeman says, “No! You don't understand;
your dog needs to be bred.” No way”, the redneck cowboys say, “dog don't need
bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this morning”. Now policeman
gets mad and yells out; “NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to
have sex!” The redneck cowboy looks at him and says, “Go ahead. I always wanted
a police dog!”

_________________________________________________________

Yuppie and the Cowboy:

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?' The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, Connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone , and surfs to a NASA Page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation System to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 10-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'Tat's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?' You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says the cowboy.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing was required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

__________________________________________________________

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing
That, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what
They're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's *****?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's *****."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,

"Hard to fool them flies though".

_____________________________________________________________________

O woman goes into a bar in the wild west and sees a cowboy with his feet on the table, he has the biggest feet she has ever seen ," is it true what they say about men with big feet?" she asks the cowboy saucily.
" sure is honey" he drawls , " why dont you come back to my place and let me prove it to you?"
so the woman spends the night with him , next day she hands the cow boy £100 , blushing he says " nobody has ever paid me for my prowess before , i'm flattered" , " well don't be" the woman replies , " take the money and go buy yourself some boots that fit!"
_______________________________________________________________

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

______________________________________________________________

What did the boots say to the cowboy? You ride -- I'll go on foot.

_________________________________________________________________

A woman was out visiting some relatives in the country and wanted to go horseback riding. She wanted to take it easy so she asked the cowboy for a nice gentle pony. “Shore,” said the cowboy. “What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?” “What’s the difference?” asked the woman. “The western saddle has a horn on it,” the cowboy replied. “Well, if the traffic is so thick here that I need a horn on my saddle, I don’t believe I want to ride.”

 

__________________________________________________________________

A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. “I’ll have a chocolate ice cream cone,” the horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet, gave the money to John.

Since John thought the horse wouldn’t know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back. “Thanks for coming,” John said to the horse. “We don’t get that many horses around here!”

The horse replied, “Well, it’s no wonder for $9 a cone!”

___________________________________________________________-

A sheriff in a small town walks out in
the street and sees a blond cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on
but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots.

So the sheriff arrests him for indecent
exposure. As he is locking him up he asks
"Why in the world are you dressed like
this'?

Cowboy says, " Well it's like this Sheriff:
I was in the bar down the road and this
pretty little red head asks me to go out to
her motor home with her and I did.  We go
inside and she pulls off her top and
asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did..
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me
to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls
off her panties and asks me to pull off my
shorts So I did... Then she gets on the bed
and looks at me kind of funny and says:
'Now go to town, Cowboy'!

"So here I am."
__________________________________________________________

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked the flight attendant for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.  The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.  Appalled, the preacher replied,   "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

    The cowboy promptly handed his drink back to the attendant and said,  "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

__________________________________________________________________

 

A cowboy in Texas gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding,
and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said,
"well yeah,if that's what they're called.
But I never heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
But, a moment later he stops and says,
"Are you callin' me a horse's ass?
"No, sir," the cowboy replies,
"I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."  A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

  He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

  The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

  'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

  The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?' 'What's so special about it?'

  The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

  The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

  Well, it says 'you're not wearing any panties.'

  The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

  The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Darn thing's an hour fast!' This cowboy is driving his truck along the road. He passes a restaurant sign that says " Lobster Tail and Beer. " He says to himself: "Boy howdy, my three favorite things!"

MODERN DAY COWBOY

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing
the Texas plains without water. His horse has already
died of thirst...

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards
ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it, and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency
Management Agency) ID badge and a dull
gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You
know how I work....You have three
wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy...
"I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got
no transportation, and it looks like you're
a dead man anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute,
and decides that the genie is right.

"OK!, I wish I were in a beautiful oasis with
plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most lovely,
lush oasis he has ever seen, and he is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters
of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my
wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by
treasure chests filled with rare gold coins
and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more
wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy
says...

"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful
women will want and need me..."

***POOF***

He's turned into a tampon.


The moral of this story:

If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.

:0)

The Family Ranch

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"


The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."

________________________________________________

The Old Cowboy

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural T exas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan". The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring. There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.
Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.
Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."

___________________________________________________________

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the university of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech university and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

___________________________________________________________

Two cowboys were talking after the Rodeo one night.  One notice that his friend had only one spur!
1st Cowboy - Say pardner, I noticed you are wearing
only one spur, on your left boot!
2nd Cowboy - Yep, he said, I figer that it is cheaper
that way.
1st Cowboy - But, you know that "any good cowboy"
knows he needs two spurs to ride a horse.
2nd Cowboy - Well I also figer it this way, the right
side will go just as fast as the left side!

___________________________________________

A cowboy bubble bath = Beans and Tobasco sauce. Ewwww

________________________________________________________

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, '....These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, '....Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

_____________________________________________________________

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I
don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.
"What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all
fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup
each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her
ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to
hold on for 8 seconds."

_______________________________________________________________________

The hanging........ A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks,

"Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown
paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.
_____________________________________________________________________

A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him.
The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.
The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.
He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!'

_______________________________________________________________________

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'


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